There’s a brief scene in the terrible new Nicholas Cage/Alex Proyas special effects thriller where Nicholas Cage, reputed astrophysicist, is teaching a class at MIT. It isn’t really clear what this class is… whether they’re undergraduate or graduate students. There are space-y decorations around the room, so I guess it could be assumed that it’s some kind of astronomy or astrophysics class. He says, more or less, that he’s going to introduce them to some ideas, that might help get the ball rolling for their term papers.

It is important, here, to use the classic Nicholas Cage voice while playing out this dialogue in your head.

“There are, like, two different ways of viewing the universe, man, the theory of, like, determinism, and whoa, random chance. Determinism is, like everything happens for a reason, and random chance is all of this is the result of random chemical reactions and genetic mutations.”

He tosses around a ball that’s been painted to look like the sun while asking random facts about the sun. The kids in the class know how hot the sun is, and that it has a bunch of hydrogen in it. Whoa! Excellent work! Class dismissed!

Meanwhile, there’s a chalkboard behind him with some hardcore space Calculus that goes unmentioned (but the camera lingers on it for a moment… You see that there? That’s some fucking MATH right there. This guy is a fucking genius).

I can barely formulate a response to this. It should be easy, considering how common this sickness is.

Dear Everyone Who Is Ever Going to Make a Movie,

DO NOT PUT A CLASSROOM SCENE IN YOUR FUCKING MOVIE UNLESS YOU HAVE ACTUALLY ATTENDED A COMPARABLE CLASS YOURSELF. THAT MEANS EVERYONE INVOLVED.

That means, go to a local University or Community Fucking College, and tell them you’re a fucking screenwriter or film director or actor, and ask to sit through one or five of their classes on X (here, Astrophysics… I think).

Right now, the CLASSROOM SCENE is brain-damaged screenwriter shorthand for “I want to say something directly to my audience, but that seems clumsy, so instead, I’ll have a bunch of twenty-somethings stand in for my audience, and I’ll be represented by the lecturer.” It can also be screenwriter shorthand for “I have no fucking idea what I’m doing.” In Knowing, it seems to be a bit of both.

One. University level science lecture, even the most fun and entertaining ones, tend to be pretty information dense. The lecturer tends not to quiz his students on fucking random trivia, but rather, if he’s going to be asking questions at all, it’s going to be something the requires a proper understanding of the material, usually involving problem solving or mathematics.

Two. Gibberish. His entire “science” lecture comes across as pseudo-religious mumbo jumbo, even though it’s stated in the film that Nicholas Cage is an atheist (formerly a Catholic). He says, “Why, dude, is it, like, that our Earth is at the exact right position from the sun for life to survive… did this happen for a reason, or was it, like, you know, random chance?” His students, apparently all members of MIT’s Special Education Program (I didn’t know they had this) have no rebuttal. Lottery winners. Lottery winners must think, “Why me? How is it that I picked the exact right numbers… it must be magic, a miracle.” Whoever wins the lottery always reels at the specialness of their improbable victory, but SOMEONE ALWAYS WINS THE FUCKING LOTTERY. That is a statistical inevitability. With all of the galaxies and all of the stars and all of the planets (we suspect) in the universe (and that, only the universe that we can see), it seems pretty fucking likely that there are going to be some planets formed in the habitable zone with the right basic materials to get this life thing started. We won the lottery, so obviously we’re able to look at our improbable position and marvel at how unlikely it is that we’re all here… but it had to happen to someone, somewhere. He then tells the students that he thinks it’s all just random chance and coincidence. A scientist. A man who by all means, should believe in things only when there are sensible reasons and explanations, has made exactly zero arguments for how all of this can happen without a capital R reason behind it, but he believes it anyway.

His class is enraptured. His MIT class. His class that must have been top of the fucking pile at their respective high schools or colleges across America, now attending arguably the most prestigious science school in the world, are completely satisfied with this, the stupidest science lecture they have likely ever heard. And another scientist has walked into the room, partway through the lecture. He has heard this. He walks up to Nicholas Cage and he says, “That’s some heavy stuff, bro.”

Not, “That’s the stupidest fucking lecture I’ve ever heard, turn in your science gun and your science badge.”

At a point, later in the film, there’s this guy in the woods that’s creeping out Nicholas Cage and his kid, so Nicholas Cage heads out into the woods with a flashlight and bat, and he shouts, “You want some of this?” and then he hits an innocent bystanding Tree with the bat… implying that the “this” in his statement was, in fact, referring to getting hit with a bat. Judging by audience response, this was the funniest scene in the movie. It was clearly not meant to be.

I’m about to spoil some things.

Read more

So. A badly botched wisdom tooth extraction when I was 18 led me to avoid dental care for approximately 8 years. The previously posted wisdom tooth picture was the first, and biggest price paid for my hiatus. As of today’s drilling, I am now officially caught up… the political environment of my mouth has been stabilized by a popular new government.

I tried to drink some coffee too soon after the dental work, and my frozen mouth drooled it all over my sweater. I guess this is what I have to look forward to when I get old.

I was at a comic book store the other day, picking up the latest trade of Fables (it came out a while ago, but I’m always lazy about buying comic books). There was a brief discussion about the visibility of Dr. Manhattan’s glowing blue penis in the Watchmen movie. I think this may have been prompted by the Dr. Manhattan action figure box standing on their shelf, with a pair of alternate legs (and, one hopes, exposed genitals) barely visible through the box’s plastic window at box’s bottom. The woman at the counter said the penile euphemism “Wang” first, if I recall, but I echoed it, in conversation.

When I said the word, an employee, further down the counter, who had been in conversation with an older Asian gentleman said loudly, to this gentleman, “Wang”, and then looked deliberately at me. As if to say, “Check out this racist motherfucker.” This triggered a moment of reflection.

    Wang is only one of many human last names that have also become a word for penis. Wang, obviously, is a Chinese last name.

    Dong is a Vietnamese last name, and also a word for Penis.

    Johnson is an anglo-saxony kind of last name, and also means Penis.

    Willie is an English first name of German origin, and also means Penis.

    Ono is a Japanese last name, and doesn’t mean Penis. Yet. Think about it, though. “I walked into the room without knocking first, and I saw his Oh No!”

    Jonker is a Dutch last name, and the word Junk is frequently used for Penis (probably also testicles). Jonker is pronounced Yonker, and there is no evidence that it shares an origin with the word junk.

    Ding is a Chinese last name, and the Penis, has, on occasion, been referred to as a Ding-a-Ling. Ling is also a Chinese last name.

    Weiner is a German last name, and is also a word for Penis. Also, it is something that you can eat, sometimes in a bun.

It also means Penis.

No way! I’m still alive! Sorry for the lack of posts. Everything from my New York trip over 2 months ago, to multiple sicknesses and working seven days a week has kind of drained me a bit. But I’m coming back! Slowly but surely. Here’s me getting back into the grind with some quickie head sketches before work at the local market… and me fooling with power armor and aliens. I’m also revamping certain parts of my website soon too as I’ve finally thought of way to (somewhat) effectively combine process with the finals to show a progression.